We Have to Lose Ourselves to Find Ourselves
The least glamorous part of growth, transformation and up-leveling is this:
We have to lose ourselves before we find ourselves.
But what does this actually mean?
And more importantly, why would we ever choose to lose ourselves?
The Discomfort of Feeling “Lost” Is The First Step To Be “Found”
You’re feeling the desire for “more” for a reason.
The reason any of us feel the nudge pulling us towards change and growth is because we aren’t content with our current circumstance.
Maybe it’s a misaligned environment,
an unfulfilling job,
surface-level or toxic relationships.
The desire to be “found” if you will, stems from the feeling of being “lost”.
We feel discontent — therefore we crave contentment.
We feel unfulfilled — therefore we crave fulfillment.
If we didn’t ever feel this way, we wouldn’t have a desire for more. The resistance we feel about our current circumstance is exactly what’s nudging us towards more.
Think about it, if you were perfectly content with your current life then you’d stay exactly as you are, where you are and doing what you always do.
But if you’re still reading this — my guess is you’re not.
And that’s a GOOD THING, because:
This is just you feeling “lost” before you’re “found”.
Life’s A Constant Process of Losing + Finding Ourselves.
I often hear people say things like “Ugh, aren’t I done growing yet? Haven’t I grown and changed enough?”
And I kind of laugh to myself at this because one (unfortunate) truth I’ve learned is: the growth never stops.
We’re not “found” once, and then set for life.
We don’t learn one life-changing lesson, and are suddenly burden-free.
Life’s a constant process of losing ourselves and finding ourselves.
Part of the beauty of life is the constant journey we’re all on. It’s an endless cycle of releasing and receiving. As we grow and evolve, our circumstances in life naturally grow and evolve as well.
It’s not a one and done, no matter how much at times we wish it were.
If we want to keep growing — we must keep losing ourselves. Because this shedding or “losing” is the only way we can continue to what we’re looking for.
Whether that “thing” is outside of us or within us.
And fortunately — yes there is some good news coming —life continues to provide us with the perfect circumstances, challenges and opportunities to grow into the people we’re meant to become.
Without fail.
But we have to choose to seize these opportunities if we want to use them to grow as we’re meant to. And this means means two things:
Accepting that our current life and circumstance is no longer aligned (if it ever was)
Shedding (or “losing”) the old identities, pursuits, people and beliefs that no longer align with the version we’re stepping into.
And although these two steps might sound simple, they’re not. Accepting something isn’t meant for us alone can feel extremely difficult — let alone the actual stepping away from it.
I’ve realized that this process feels so difficult for two reasons:
1. The Uncertainty of What’s Next (“If not this, then what?”)
Sometimes we cling to what we know and what feels familiar because we want to avoid the uncertainty of feeling “lost”.
We want to know what the path forward looks like — so we often convince ourselves to stay in the certainty. Even if it feels unfulfilling or misaligned, at least we know what the path looks like.
If we step into the uncertainty, then we’ll feel directionless and “lost”.
But like this article is here to remind you that, feeling lost isn’t a failure. It’s not “bad”, it doesn’t mean we messed up or took a wrong turn in life. It’s simply the uncertainty that arises before the certainty presents itself.
And the price we pay by always avoiding the unknown of feeling “lost” is never truly experiencing the satisfaction of feeling “found”.
2. The Loss of Identity (“If I’m not this, who am I?”)
Another reason we resist letting go of what’s not for us is the pain of losing the identity of the things we feel so attached to.
After a while, we’ve grown so accustomed to the relationships, jobs, places or objects — we’ve tied our identity to it.
This makes letting go of these things even more messy because it causes us to ask:
If this isn’t me, who am I?
But none of these things are who we are. None of these things define us or make us any more or less worthy.
You are already whole, worthy and complete as you are.
And by shedding these things that we no longer want to necessarily identify with, we’re actually giving ourselves the opportunity to uncover our innate worth within — instead of clinging to external things to manufacture an identity for ourselves.
How to Shift From “Lost” to “Found”
Once we’ve accepted the feeling lost and started to let go of these things, then we open ourselves up for the “found”.
I did an article recently on creating space for what’s meant for us.
And this is a similar idea.
We can’t welcome in alignment — what’s truly meant for us — if we don’t first let go of what isn’t.
We have to create space to be found.
And the best part is — we don’t have to know what this will look like. We don’t have to know exactly how or whe this will happen.
All we need to know is we’ve naturally opened ourselves up to receive the alignment we’re looking for by stepping into feeling “lost”. By letting go of what’s no longer meant for us.
By releasing these things — the people, opportunities, experiences and lessons that are aligned with this version of us will start to naturally unfold and come our way.
By accepting feeling “lost”, we’ve taken steps away from what no longer feels aligned and opened ourselves up to feeling “found”
How I’m Constantly “Losing” Myself.
Time and time again in my life, I feel like I’m continuing to feel lost.
But I no longer fear this — in fact, I welcome it.
I recognize that this is the subtle confusion before the flood of abundance and alignment that I know is on it’s way in life.
Some specific examples include:
Last year leaving my corporate job. I didn’t know exactly what was next, I felt that uncertainty and loss of identity when I finally stepped away. But I got to a point where the misalignment and feeling “lost” in that job was stronger than my resistance to the uncertainty if I left it.
And by allowing myself to fully accept that I felt lost and take action — I’m now still pinching myself that my career with Fulfilled is what I get to do full time.
But let me assure you — I felt lost in that corporate path for years before I took that as a sign that I was finally ready to be found.
Another one is leaving New York City. There is a lot that I miss about living there, but I realized that there was a disconnect that I had started to feel that I couldn’t shake. Part of me wanted to stay and hold onto the life I’ve created after 3 years — but a deeper part of me knew that it was time for a change.
And that transition of moving across the country to a brand new place definitely meant that I felt lost for a while. But slowly with time, I’m creating a community and environment in Austin that feels so much more aligned and rewarding for this version of me than what I had in New York.
And finally relationships. We can feel if a relationship is no longer right for us. We feel disconnected, unfulfilled, resistant, not our best selves, unexcited.
And when I let go of those relationships — I of course felt even more lost for a while. But looking back, they were never for me (in the long term at least) and I continue to meet and attract new people into my life who are so much more genuine and aligned with the person I am becoming.
I had to feel “lost” in all these circumstances in my life to inspire me to take brave action. If I didn’t feel this discontentment, then I would never have been motivated to make the changes that I have and opened myself up to feel “found”.
And it’s not over — I know that life will continue to bring about these feelings of lost and misalignment to continue to nudge and inspire me to change and grow.
I see so clearly that it was all so intentional — and like I said, I see feeling “lost” as an exciting opportunity and blessing in life, because it’s just life nudging us towards something so much better.
So I no longer resist it — I welcome it. I allow myself to feel lost, because the process of feeling “found” that follows is so rewarding and beautiful.
And one of the best parts of life.
So if you’re feeling lost in a part of your life right now, get ready. Feeling found comes from bravely taking one uncertain step at a time.
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